It's my party... or maybe it's not...

 As she walked the earth each day of her life,

She realized that she kept coming upon

the same issue after issue

yet with different people. 

Why was she running into this reflection? 

She remembered that she had heard somewhere 

that when a person keeps seeing the same issues repeat before them, 

whether it's with a dear friend,

 a lover, 

a family member,

 or a vindictive old enemy..

One thing always remained the same.

Her. 

Which could only mean one thing.

Her reflection wasn't what she was happy with.

Which also meant that... 

She was lying to herself somewhere. 

She felt a change was coming up the road.. 

Change was inevitable.

It had to be done. 

Otherwise 

what she was constantly seeing reflected, 

was going to get the best of her and awaken her pride. 

And when pride awoke in her, her ego liked to tag along. 

Her Ego was a great manipulator. 

He knew exactly how to push her to

accept her false sense of self as a comfort zone.

And she knew damn well why she did it.. 

It was the only way for her to give up

and join that pity party she enjoyed so much. 

But the pity party was getting old. 

And when she looked around, all she saw were clowns.

She was a queen. 

She knew that much!

Just because she played herself as a clown, she realized 

that each time an actual clown stood before her, she couldn't 

find harmony with them. 

Which only meant one thing. 

Her truth was indeed trapped inside the prison she created for herself. 

It was time for her to leave the pity party and face her truth. 

She realized that if she continued to play small and stay at the party, 

then she was indeed a clown herself and she just wasn't going to buy into that.

Not today.

Not ever. 

Reapin' Musica...

She sat in her favorite chair... 

A turquoise round disc shaped chair

from a Wal-Mart of all places... 

But she didn't care..

She wasn't some rich b*tch..

let alone a poor joke..

So she always brought what she could 

that satisfied her senses. 

And this chair did all that.

As she sat in it.. 

She was listening to a Spanish song.

Spanish music always had a way of invigorating her.

But a lot of times, it also sparked inside her

a soul touch.

She didn't understand it... 

She wasn't Spanish.

So most of the songs she listened to, 

she didn't even understand what they were singing about.

A lot of times, she knew it was all sexual stuff. 

But to her, 

the music wasn't about the lyrics. 

It was the harmony.

Somehow, Spanish music had great harmony!
It touched her soul, and that meant that it had something.

She wondered what it had and if it was good or bad?

Cuz as she tried to remember...

The very thing that had gotten her in trouble in the passed two and a half years,

was indeed Spanish music!

Okay. Okay... so maybe, she was looking for something to blame for her

bad choices. 

For her escape.

For her death wish?

And there it was.

The truth.

She wasn't happy with her life.

She wasn't happy with the route she had chosen.

And then she met him. 

Death himself.

He walked with her for a while.

"Not yet Not yet" she would say...

Pleading with him jokingly. 

He saw it in her eyes though. 

Something she couldn't see herself.

The hope. 

The spark.. the Plead...

The Will...

She was blind to it all.. 

She chose to be deaf to it all. 

The cries.. 

The begs..

The pleads..

Her inner child wanted her to wake up. 

To listen.

To care again...

About herself and her life... 

And so one day... Death came close..

He hovered over her... Smirk on his face..

He knew that the time was near... 

He waited for her response.. 

Was she going to? 

And she played the way she always did.

Away she ran...

Again and again..

He waited this time.

He was waiting for her.. 

Was she going to come back one last time?

Was it time?

But this time... 

She woke up.

She was listening to a Spanish song once again...

Only this time... 

She wasn't ready to leave her existence. 

She was happy even though she wasn't where she wanted to be. 

She finally found herself... 

Her true self. 

And even though she had a long way to go in order to be 

where she wanted to be, she was happy to take her time getting there.

As she looked back on death.. 

She did appreciate all that he showed her. 

All that he walked through with her. 

He really wasn't a scary deal... 

But he just wasn't for her... 

Not Yet! 

The QuEEN and Her BrooM..

 It was time for her to begin a new Journey. 

Today was the day that Chiron, the wounded healer was doing 

the retrograde dance and she couldn't help it but to join him.

She had been studying up on her astrological studies, 

and was actually beginning to feel more and more free 

from all the stuck chaos that she used to repeat!

She started to learn and understand all those cute little 

symbols in her birth chart and each one was like a key to another door 

full of endless possibilities! 

She could hardly contain her excitement, but she knew that 

she wasn't going to share it like she wanted to, because 

every time she did, it would get a negative reaction.

So she made it her little secret.

Something she was beginning to truly understand and use... 

and it was something she could just call...

Her Magic... 

And so she did exactly that! 

Floating in FiRe...

 It was a Friday night, and she was on her fourth beer.

As a spiritual being, the one thing she could never give up

was her escape.

Beer always took her away.

Away from all that she hated.

All that she couldn't stand to be around.

All that she couldn't change yet also couldn't accept.

Depending on what was going on in her life and what she was pushing to the side,

determined how much beer it took to erase it all.

But it never really erased it. 

It just made her numb to the feelings that each event wanted to bring up.

Why were these events even coming up though? 

She didn't understand it.

Why couldn't she just live life like everyone else.

Making the money, paying the bills, and then living happily ever after?

Why did she have to be so fricking sensitive?

So closed down?

So fearful?

Why did she have to Trigger people? 

Why couldn't she just be Miss Suzy frickin' Sunshine?

Okay, so yes, she realized that eventually when two beers couldn't cut it, 

let alone three... 

It was time to dump it all out and about. 

Cuz, As a spiritual prisoner, 

oops, person..

She knew that to deal with life as it came was a necessity.

Otherwise, there was definitely HUGE Side effects that would 

surface in order to stop her dead in her tracks!

She knew her soul sister was putting a huge toll on her because of her decision to allow her kindness to dawn upon her life.

Most people could just over look it all.

But she was a different kind of stupid.

And then there was the returning ex.

She knew he was bad news. 

All the way.

And so she tried to ignore him the best she could.

But with her situation already going the way it did, 

it was hard to avoid one destructive situation after another.

Then her mother chimed in. 

And from there it all went rolling downhill after the full moon in Capricorn.

Capricorn was the sign of rules, regulations and responsibilities. 

Capricorn had her head spinning though! 

Why?

Maybe because it was always about what she had thought was right...

Yet, never was it about what she believed to be right for her.

And so today she was determined to do it. 

After four beers later of course.

She was going to stand up. 

Barely.

And make herself known.

This is who she was. 

She wasn't going anywhere, and she wasn't changing for anyone.

This was her. 

Or was it?

She realized that all she kept seeing was her joys in Virginia.

She knew she belonged there. 

And she made a pact within herself that one day...

When she could get it together again...

She would go. 

And that's all she needed to know for now. 

Nothing else.

Rewind...

 She was having a relatively great day yesterday,

when come night time, 

she receives a text  out of the blue. 

"Who is this?" she asks, even though she already saw the face 

in her mind's eye very clearly.

"ur sister its not good for u" was the response. 

And with that, she knew her vision was on point.

So she blocked him from the new number he had concocted as well. 

Rewind to Earlier that same day... 

She was having her daily coffee, and listening to a new found 

pastor that she seemed to really resonate well with about a new way

of seeing herself and her love for self. 

She was learning to apply all the things she had already heard before,

just never wanted to believe them because of an old fear.

However, ever since her life had come crashing down

one event after another after another... 

She realized it was time to try something new. 

As she was listening to this pastor, he had mentioned a lot of things that 

she was always over looking for herself all because she was an empath.

Now, she was never one to label herself or others 

and never dreamed about wanting to cling to an excuse such as being an empath as an easy escape blame.

That was actually one of her most hated pet peeves!

However, she did finally come to terms that by resisting and hating 

this pet peeve that she had, 

somehow actually made it more persistent in her life.

So there she was.. learning how to accept it that she was indeed too 

focused always on other people and their troubles.

She was learning to accept that she was indeed taking on other people's crisis'

and trying to solve them by pushing her ideas on others and 

battling with them as if she was higher and mightier. 

And thus, she would crash and burn in ever relationship that ever crossed her path.

So.. she finally took on a new skill. 

Learning to love herself first. 

Which she had thought she had already achieved 2 years ago when she left 

for another state. Literally.

But that was just the beginning of the life long journey. 

And so here she was.. 

listening to this pastor tell her that in order to love her self... 

She had to know and accept herself as she was.

Broken conscious and all. 

When she finally started to accept that she was indeed broken, 

she also came to the realization, that God had accepted her for that.

And that God never left her. He walked with her through all the pain

and hell she had put herself through all because she was afraid to

accept herself. 

So when she finally realized that she was just running on fear... 

She stopped. And she opened up to receive guidance and actually took 

whatever came her way that felt right to her. 

So this pastor was saying in his preaching's that when a person 

love's themselves, they treat themselves with kindness, caring, understanding, joy, peace, and happiness. 

They don't boss themselves around, or punish themselves. 

They don't make themselves wait for happiness through a bargain of abuse to self.

And all of this was really resonating with what she had come across in the mountains

when she was hiking with mother earth for the past two years. 

And so she began to apply the words to her daily life and daily experiences.

And that's when later that day, in chimed her ex... 

Trying to text her that she didn't know what was right for her. 

And that he did and was going to rescue her.

Which she had just learned was a power tool that men 

with bad intentions for women will use to lower her self worth. 

She laughed and then felt a surge of power in her rise up that said, 

"he's not up to par hunny. Close the door and walk away."

And so she did.

A Detour Back...

 One of the hardest things she had to turn her back on 

was trying to change every person

 that she was constantly finding herself around. 

And why did she want to change them anyways?

She had to ask herself this very question one day.

And to her surprise, the truth was pretty harsh when she first heard it.

She realized that not only her pride was to blame in the wanting to change 

all those who crossed her path...

But her lack of self love was also an accomplice. 

It turned out that she really didn't know who she was at her core. 

She was leaning too heavily on external realities like;

 jobs, cars, houses, ways of life, and

other peoples' validations as being a worthy being. 

So of course, this lead her to a misconception and the need to reinvent the people...

Hence, her deeply devoted mission to change those outside herself.

She had been working on her self love road for a while and 

didn't realize that she had fallen off on a small detour. 

De-tours were always the worst for her. 

They seemed easy to others, but for her, they were like a road into  

a totally different dimension.

And getting back to the real world took almost forever.

She literally had to stop going in circles first in order to find her way back to the right road.

She was learning though. 

And so today was yet another journey down a small detour of awakening.. 

She found herself somehow entangled in the high strung emotions of her soul sisters

elated narcissistic dragging relationship. 

She didn't even know how she fell into it.. 

She had just awoken and wanted to cook up some morning joe...

But instead ended up cooking up something much more!

Her soul sister and her were battling harsh words back and forth 

and it wasn't even high noon!

What had gotten into them, she thought... 

Why were they at each other's throats over a stupid non-existent person?

And it really took her a minute after her soul sister had left for the day, 

when she had a chance to sit down and really breathe. 

Really reconnect with her true calm self. 

Her feminine self. 

And when she asked herself what was up... 

She realized that she was trying to put herself in another person's life and make it her own. 

She was taking on another person's crisis as if it was her own to fix!

She was falling...

No wonder that her first instinct was to try to control another person

 and try to make her triumph prevalent through their actions. 

Which now, by the way, seemed so unachievable!

 Trying to puppet a person to do her own work, sounded like a wonderful way of giving up power and becoming a victim to circumstances with no way out. 

And on top of it... the so called 'work' wasn't even really her own. 

She had over stepped boundaries! 

Why!?

What made her want to be so entangled in someone else's story instead of her own?

And this is when it hit her. 

She was bored with her own existence.

Why?

Cuz she wasn't in alignment with her true authentic self.

She wasn't loving herself as she was. 

So she stopped right there. 

She began to educate herself on the things that really mattered to her.

She was not going to become a victim again. 

She was done playing the trapped princess in a fairytale that needed rescuing. 

She knew her power. 

And she was going to own it. 

And so she began right then and there to change what she knew she could.

Herself. 

FeeLin' that HEAT

 It was a high around 85 degrees and she really didn't mind it at all. 

It was nothing compared to the high humidity and abuse she was experiencing back 

in her previous existence up north.

She was really grateful for her life in the now. 

She was very much given the best gift she could ever have received.

And she wasn't going to screw it up this time. 

She was in a new cycle now, and she was beginning to see why it was so important for her to expand 

on her path forward. 

She had been stuck in the same cycles for almost 20 years now. 

 Thinking that she was supposed to be an invincible woman with no emotions

was the hardest thing she had pushed herself to do. 

Of course she had achieved it several times over, however, each time, 

she wasn't pleased. 

The results were never satisfying. 

So here she was, in her now moment in a Tropical Getaway learning some new skills!

She was actually really excited this time, because this time, 

she was really serious about becoming

 a Queen.

A Goddess.

A Siren! 

She was so done being the best fallen angel she could ever be, and finally, she was ready to be 

initiated into High Priestess Hood!

And so the New Story shall commence in the here and now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She had moved in with her twin flame just previously.

Actually...

It was more of a rescue situation really.

She had thought that a twin flame was one lover that was meant to be in her life forever and ever, and ever,

but that was just her Neptunian illusionistic side that fooled her into believing that.

The truth was that there really was a few different types of Twin flame connections out there, not just that one love story belief.

Her soul sister was also a twin flame of some sort.

She could clearly see her previous life being played out right before her very eyes

thru her soul sister's current life situation..

And at first her pride had really truly wanted her to believe 

that she was there to help her sister out.

But little did she know, it was actually a mirror situation.

Her soul sister was mirroring her own faults and lack of understandings

 when it came to her own chosen actions in life.

And with this new vision before her, she was finally able to see

 where she had kept herself in a loop!

Repeating an old karmic cycle that had been passed down generation after generation.

So she closed her eyes,  took in a deep breathe, and let it out slowly. 

She realized then and there, that this is what made her whole.

This inner connection.. 

This inner knowing.

This inner understanding

that all things 'out there' was never really out there! 

and that the belief that it was, 

 was never really true.

So she sat there and allowed for this new reality to sink in...